Cancer is such an ugly word, an ugly disease, and an ugly experience for everyone involved. God can take something ugly, however, and turn it into something beautiful, if we are willing to give it to Him. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in June of 2009, that’s what I did, and throughout that whole difficult experience, I felt his sweet unfailing peace.
It is hard not to feel like a freak when you have no eyebrows, no hair, and no lashes. My eyes watered constantly and my nose dripped. I was tired all the time and just felt nasty. I often felt depression and self-pity trying to creep in. I continued to work throughout my illness. I remember once climbing the hill to my art classroom for like the fifth time that day, so weak I could hardly put one foot in front of the other, and thinking, “I shouldn’t have to climb this hill! I have cancer!” Even as I was saying those words, I knew that God was in control and he had a plan. He was building up my strength, pushing me continually. He wouldn’t allow me time to worry or focus on myself or my disease. I could feel him encouraging me and lifting me up when I felt humiliated and ugly, while at the same time using this experience to humble me and make me a better person.
I am now 15 years cancer free. I have my normal life again, but I learned so much during that time about what is truly important. I am a new person. I no longer focus on myself, my looks, my image, or worry about what others think of me. God used this ugly disease to change my attitude, my values, my priorities, my relationships. I now have a passion for others. I have come to understand that as our purpose on this earth, to love and care for others, and in so doing, to be an example of God’s beauty, perfect love, mercy, and grace. God doesn’t give us disease, but when placed in his hands there will always be a dramatically different and positive outcome, no matter what the diagnosis.
